What is triangulation and how does it show up in enmeshed family dynamics?
What is triangulation?
Triangulation is a dysfunctional pattern of communication in relationships. As the name suggests, triangulation involves three parties: two people and a third party (the “triangulated” person) – who is typically not involved in the initial situation – who acts as a conduit between the two people involved.
Triangulation may be used by a person to influence the third party in their favor, manipulate the narrative, or to use the third party as a messenger to avoid direct communication. Triangulation can occur intentionally or unintentionally.
While triangulation can occur in romantic, platonic, and professional relationships, this post will focus specifically on family relationships. Enmeshed family dynamics often involve triangulation due to the lack of boundaries between family members. Understanding this concept will help you see how triangulation may show up in your own family system so that you can avoid falling into the traps of triangulation and improve your relationship with others.
Examples of triangulation between family members
Here are some examples of triangulation between family members:
A parent complains or vents about the other parent to their child with the intent to manipulate or influence how the child views the other parent.
Parents ask their child to take sides during an argument or disagreement.
Family members relay information back and forth between two siblings who are in conflict with each other.
A parent asks a child to share information or complaints to the other parent on their behalf as a way to avoid interacting directly with their spouse.
A parent gives their child the silent treatment while badmouthing about them to their siblings, as a way to make their grievances known without direct communication.
Issues between a parent and a child are communicated through siblings or other family members not directly involved in the issue.
How can I tell the difference between triangulation and healthy communication?
In certain situations, healthy communication may naturally involve a third party. For example, two people may mutually seek the input of a third person for a new perspective on a matter, which may be beneficial for the family system.
However, triangulation has become dysfunctional or unhealthy when:
It hinders direct communication between the two parties.
It is used to avoid conflict.
It stifles the ability for any person involved to freely express what they think and how they feel.
It prevents or delays conflict resolution.
It leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings due to lack of direct communication.
It has become an ongoing pattern or habit.
It is used to manipulate the narrative to get the triangulated person on “their side.”
Impacts of triangulation
As a triangulated person, you may:
Feel tremendous stress and pressure to act as a mediator between the two parties.
Be caught in the middle between two people who are in conflict and forced to take a side.
Take on a caretaking role, which may cause you to self-sacrifice and abandon your own needs and wants.
Experience emotional distress and emotional reactivity from internalizing relational conflicts.
Feel responsible for fixing other people’s problems, which may create an unhealthy codependent dynamic.
Have the urge to isolate from family members due to the burden of carrying the role of a peacemaker or “family therapist.”
Triangulation is particularly harmful when children are involved in adult matters that aren’t their responsibility and are unequipped to handle. Taking on the role of a mediator, managing and negotiating conflicts, or being a confidant for a parent is a heavy burden for a child to carry. Over time, triangulated children involved in their parents’ relational problems are at risk for experiencing psychological distress, such as depression, anxiety, and withdrawal.[1]
How to deal with triangulation
Do you experience triangulation in your family? Here are some steps you can take as a triangulated family member:
Identify patterns: Take an inventory of people and situations where you’ve been involved in a triangulated dynamic. Becoming aware of patterns will help you better prepare for and respond to situations where triangulation may occur.
Have an open conversation: If this is an ongoing issue, you may consider having a conversation with your family members about how you feel and how this is affecting you. Sometimes those who engage in triangulation may not even be consciously aware of how their actions are impacting you.
Set and communicate boundaries: Establish boundaries and encourage the two parties involved to communicate with each other directly. This may sound like, “I understand you’re feeling frustrated, but I don’t feel comfortable being in the middle of this. Would you be able to express this concern to mom directly?” While it may be difficult at first, remind yourself that you always have the choice to step out of the triangulated dynamic and remove yourself from situations that feel uncomfortable.
Seek professional help: If a third party is needed to resolve issues between the two parties, encourage them to seek professional support such as a professional mediator, therapist, coach, or counselor.
In an enmeshed family system, triangulation is far too common. You may even find yourself stuck in these familiar patterns and find it difficult to break the cycle. But please remember that you have the right to protect your energy, mental health, and emotional well-being. No matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be, you always have the power to choose, set boundaries, and give yourself the permission to let go of what no longer serves you.
Reference:
[1] Buehler, C., & Welsh, D. P. (2009). A process model of adolescents' triangulation into parents' marital conflict: The role of emotional reactivity. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(2), 167-180.
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